The Inner Voice!

On a rather unusual morning, I woke up to find the weather really foggy. I could hardly see anything. The fog seemed to penetrate into my sleepy eyes and I couldn’t see my hands even when they were close to my face.

I had a strange feeling. It was bright white everywhere and I wondered how it could be so foggy. Somehow, I managed to get off my bed and reach the washbasin, because it had been years of practice, moving from the bed to the washbasin, with closed sleepy eyes.

After thoroughly washing my eyes, I tried to see myself in the mirror. Gosh! It was still so foggy. I slowly started to get tense. I moved hastily towards the door just escaping the stumbling and saved myself of a dreadful accident. I took a deep breath, and called aloud, “Ma!” No response! I got a sudden sense of FEAR, something was wrong!

It took me few minutes to realize, sitting on the cool floor, that it was my eyes. I couldn’t see anything. But I didn’t suspect anything wrong, because, it was not dark. It was bright. I thought, it must be some temporary problem because of sleeping late.

I managed to hold one of the walls and found my way out of the room, which seemed endless. I kept shouting “Ma”, still no response.

I finally felt myself approaching the hall, still not able to see anything. I got really terrified. I started shouting and crying, and fell to the floor, exhausted.

I didn’t want to believe, I was not able to see anything. Grief Stricken, I passed what seemed like the whole day to wait for the night. There was no night. I could see only white. I finally, thought, I had turned blind or something and cursed GOD for doing this to me, all of a sudden, without any warnings!

I still was very perplexed and didn’t have energy to find out what was going on. I kept moving around the house, and finally, got over to the phone. With lot of difficulty, I could manage to dial the number.

“Hello”, I said. “Yes”, an unfamiliar voice said. I asked, “Can I talk to Guddi?” “No Guddi out here”, came the reply to irritate me all the more. I confirmed the number, which turned out to be wrong. Anyways, I was hopeful. I tried again. “Hello”, I recognized the voice immediately. “Guddi, Can you come over immediately to my house?” I asked. “Its 2 am at night!” she exclaimed. I started crying and told her what was happening to me.

She got worried. She suggested me to call my mom, but then I told her that I have been shouting on top of my voice and no one is there to hear me. She told me to wait, while she would come to my house. I was a bit relaxed.

After a wait of what seemed like a century, she finally came. I was so relieved to hear her uttering my name. I waited for her to come shouting to indicate where I was. She came and held my hand and comforted me. I was crying continuously. She kept asking me if I couldn’t see anything. I kept replying her with the same yes. I don’t even remember when I fell asleep again.

As soon as it was what she called morning, she hurried me to the Doctor. I was very fearful and had no courage to open my eyes. I thought I would get the shock of my life, if I couldn’t see. Once we reached the hospital, the Doctor, examined my eyes. I felt his hands trying to stretch my eyelids. I resisted, but he pulled hard, and I couldn’t see at all, the same white view.

He told me to lie down and dropped some lotion into my eyes, I could just feel it. It started burning. I just couldn’t resist it. He told, its good if it’s burning. It means, the nerves are active and probably, I have not lost my sight. His words were relieving, if not soothing. But I somehow didn’t feel like trusting him much, because doctors are always like that. They will not tell the patients about the problem. He called Guddi into his chamber and I started getting all sorts of wild ideas. I thought he must be telling her that I have lost, my sight forever, and I am not supposed to know about it, otherwise I’ll be heart broken. Also, that it can be cured by an operation. And my thoughts started wandering into the depths of the mind.

When Guddi came back, I asked her to tell me truly what the Doctor had said. She laughed and told me that he had said, that its one kind of infection, which happens, if there is excess stress on eyes and I would recover within 2-3 days. I was sure she was lying to me. In an argument, I said, how could it be that a person loses his sight and gains it back after 2-3 days? She said it’s true. I still dint believe her and knew she was just doing what the doctor had said. But she kept insisting she was telling me the truth.

Anyways, now, I had started feeling even worse. The white view was slowly getting dark. I thought that that’s the way blindness starts and remains forever. I cried a lot and then slept again.

When I woke up next, she was there brushing my hair. I asked her where is mom. She told me that my neighbor Mr. Prasad told her to remind me that mom had been to Bhubaneswar for 1 week. I suddenly remembered. How could I forget that? How could I be such dumb?

Anyways, I was sure, everyone was lying to me. And Mom had to leave me in such a state to go to Bhubaneswar. In fact, it was not her fault. It had happened after she had gone.

I started missing my life. I was useless, I was so disgusted, I wanted to end my life. I started thinking how would be blind people living in the world. I cursed GOD for making people blind.

I suddenly wanted to do everything, which I had never done or which I kept promising myself that I would be doing. I wanted to get up early in morning, to feel the freshness, and to see the beautiful morning. I wanted to learn Guitar, drums. I wanted to go to office and correct all my mistakes. I wanted to make a lot of friends. I wanted to own a Car and drive it down the countryside with Guddi. I wanted to make a beautiful home for us and have my baby playing with me. I wanted to see the smile on mom’s face. I wanted to play Tennis and swim in the sea. I wanted to take Guddi to a candle light dinner and cherish, the togetherness, share the champagne glass and celebrate the moon lit night. I wanted to give lot of time to my secret research. I wanted to spend time with my family members and see the smiles on their faces. I wanted to end my problems with all my foes. I wanted to go to GOA and Kerala and the Andamans. I wanted to spend all my money in buying all that I longed for. I wanted to fulfill all my desires and be happy. I wanted to do everything that I had been postponing for some time now.

But the pity was that when I wanted to do all this, I was driven into the world of darkness and emptiness by my fate. I was really sorry, for myself and to all people whom I had hurt and not cared about. I was really boggled and my head was vibrating with these thoughts, when a voice said “Worried, Irritated, Angry?” I said yes immediately, later thinking who spoke? I asked, “Who are you?” “Your Inner Voice”, was the reply. I was spellbound, at what was happening to me. I was hallucinating. But then it spoke again. After careful analysis, I felt I was hearing my own voice.

It said, “I know what you long for. And I know your secret desires. And I know you are hurt, because, you feel you will never be able to accomplish them now”. I nodded in submission. “I have the solution!” it said. “But you will have to promise me to do what all I say.” I was surprised. “Promise me!” it demanded. I nodded yes.

“Try to listen to your Inner Voice, it will give you answers to all questions. All people in the world, who are blind, just follow their inner voice.” I was about to say, “I am not….” when I stopped.

“Promise yourself, that you would do whatever you want to do and try your best to do it as soon as possible. You would not be a mere office goer and not have your own life too. Promise you will, care about the people around you, not hide your desires, for collecting money, which you would not be able to use, if you go Blind again!”. I was shocked. Again? That means there was a possibility I would recover. “Yes, you would get well. But first promise.” I nodded in complete agreement. The only important thing was getting back my sight. Any other thing was irrelevant.

“Fine you will be well, but remember! Keep your words, lest you should get blind permanently”. And there was great silence.

“Crap! Bullshit!” I thought. And cursed GOD again, for all that was happening to me. Sometimes, it gave me a feeling of Life after Death and I thought I would see some ghosts sometime. Meanwhile, what my eyes could see was only black now; the white view had gradually given way to complete darkness, confirming me of my blindness.
I told Guddi about my strange interceptions. She laughed and then got serious. She said, in a manner that scared me to hell, that what happened is the truth and I’ll get back my sight, if I promise. I got furious over her and told her to leave me alone. Heavy at heart and much pained, I tried to close my eyes and sleep. But the moment I closed my eyes, I was scared, I saw strange shadows and faces and heard weird sounds, telling me to promise. I closed my ears, and tried not to think about those things. Once again, I was asleep, and I never knew.

I woke up with a start when my loud alarm went off at 6 in the morning. I hit it hard with my fingers to stop it, and went back into the slumber. Suddenly, I remembered the Inner Voice in my sleep and woke up. I opened my eyes.

It was a pleasant morning outside. I could see everything. I was shocked yet again. I got out of bed and tried pinching myself to confirm it was not a dream. It was not. I could see. I could really see. Hurray! I was so happy. I jumped around and played. I went down to see mom doing what she did everyday and had got tired of telling me to do it. “YOGA”.

My inner voice told me to go and join her. Without a word, I went and washed my face and then joined mom in her exercise. Then I remembered, Mom had been to Bhubaneswar. I laughed at myself, and thought, what happened was indeed a dream. Mom was surprised and asked me what was up? I just smiled.

I got ready to go to Office, Everything was normal in Office except that I made two new friends in Office and went with Team for Lunch. I left early and went to the gym, found out about guitar classes, swimming facilities and enrolled. I talked to Guddi and told her to meet for dinner. We went for a cool dinner after long. She was very happy, and asked me what was special (because for me it was only on some occasion that this happened). I just smiled.

That day onwards, my life changed. And now I have known, there is a human inside us, who needs to live and enjoy and do so many other things, which we don’t allow it to do, by keeping ourselves busy in our work and the run for Money.

I am often reminded of the ghostly inner voice, whenever I am trying to compromise on something for my work and Run for money. It says, “Work and Money are not everything. There are other things in life to look into.” And then I promise myself; I am not going to be BLIND again. I take my steps forward towards a sense of self-accomplishment.

Today, I am learning Guitar and drums; I have realized few beautiful times with GUDDI, I am planning to go to GOA and Kerala. I get up early and go for early morning jog and enjoy the beauty of nature and use my money to provide me with means to fulfill my desires.

I have promised not to be BLIND again. What about YOU?